I just found a pack of her cigarettes today in my car and I'm sitting here by Reagan's pool smoking one. I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep the past few days, and a part of me wants to jump into this pool fully clothed which by the end of this update I probably will since updating it on my phone is such a chore.
This cig is a bad idea because it's a reminder that I miss her taste, her smell and her politeness about always smelling like them. I'd be lying to anyone if I said I didn't miss it.
I liked it. It was unique to me, offset my usual sense of smell and in a way, it was comforting.
My conversation tonight with Melissa was pretty heartbreaking. She always sees right through my defenses and comes in kicking me in the chest. What made it worse was Michael also on the phone trying to make light of some of things she was saying. I was annoyed b/c I didn't want to laugh but like Danielle and myself, Michael tends to defuse things for people.
It was wonderful explaining what happened to someone who wasn't biased for once. Melissa loved Kristi a lot because Kristi made me feel whole, I felt like it was me and her against the world when it was just us and even with all her antics she can get herself into, it just seems odd how much I truly enjoyed being there making sure she was ok. The times that it did get frustrating was when I would make a suggestion to perhaps leave and I would get a resounding no even though I know that it's the best option. Melissa knows that without a shadow of a doubt that I'm capable of being the best person for another as long as there is trust.
Which lead to our conversation about my jealousy issue. It's an odd thing talking about jealousy with a married couple that you've had sex with on multiple occasions. With the 'norm' it's such a hypocritical thing but really Melissa and I are perfect for each other much like Michael and Melissa. We understand that, some of our friends do, and well yeah I tend to be a whore sometimes but since we have always had a full discloser agreement between us we've never really had a problem with jealousy. Melissa pinpointed that out to me: The full discloser. Without it my relationships with
anyone much less someone that of which was supposed to be 'open' could never prosper.
My curiosity is so rapacious that it gets the best of me and it gets me into trouble on many different fronts. Yet it's my fuel for life. Without seeking knowledge (whether carnal or scholarly) I feel under-stimulated. It's a problem I have at work right now, but my foray with Kristi was always fun even when we had our fights about things.
Which brought us to the topic of "Did you love each other?"
I could tell Melissa wanted to kill me for some of the blubbering I did during this part of the conversation and to save my fingers it really just boiled down to this:
-Yes I did.
-Love is different every time you find it whether it's a mutual love, a whirlwind love or a slow-dance love it's something that you should always cherish no matter what happens.
-I would do it all over again
-IT. DOES. GO. AWAY. SOMETIMES. but when it comes back, you welcome it like a old friend, or as Michael put it, that guy who carries that huge check from Publisher's Clearing House.
I told Melissa that my speakers at work buzz when my phone gets a text msg and my heart skips a beat thinking it could be her even when it's like 3 in the morning.
"To know that someone can make you feel like that through something as small as a text message makes you really understand a few things about yourself. For me it's always been about the small things, I had to pack numerous keepsakes of hers and I remember what each one represents when we went out. I don't do this often because my memory is shit but some reason she always comes through clear as day. I can't publish the other entries and writings I've made b/c I can't seem to finish them."
"Why?"
"She is like a book I don't want to finish."
Ok, I'm jumping in this fucking pool.
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